La vie quotidienne

In this jovial jaunt (yay alliteration!) through singledom, I’m finding more and more reasons to stay single.

1. I was walking through the corridor at work, coming back from the bank, and some dude just belched super loud and kept walking. You are gross.

2. If you’re going to ask me to dinner, do not let a conversation like this happen:

-Dude: “So maybe we can go to dinner one night this week?”

-Dudette: “Yeah, that sounds good.”

-Dude: “Do you like Outback?”

(I’ll give you a minute to take a breather because I SURE NEEDED ONE… hypothetically speaking of course)

-Dudette: “Umm, not a huge Outback fan” (Internal rejoicing for not voicing the true opinion)

-Dude: “Macaroni Grill?”

-Dudette (that gut feeling… ahhhhhhhh): “umm…”

-Dude: “Maggiano’s?”

-Dudette: “I can do Maggiano’s.”

-Dude: “Of course you’d pick the most expensive one.”

GOOD. BYE. quarter carat dude.

3. Spell correctly and speak intelligently or don’t open your mouth.

4. I’m a bit of a brat. You will open doors for me, get me water in the morning because I probably drank too much lastnight, and generally treat me like a princess. I’m as much of a giver as a taker, so the better you treat me, the better you’ll be treated.

5. God forbid you use baby talk. “I is sleepy” “How was lunchie”… NOOOOOOOO. Especially if you’re OVER 35 you d-bag.

6. If I hear one more time how busy your life is, then why are we talking? Don’t you have something better to do?

7. If you live out in the boonies/outside the beltway… don’t bother.

More to come. I work with all dudes so there’s decent fodder being provided hourly.